Legolas's crazy adventures
by DuvainethTriwathwen
Summary: After the ring's destruction, Legolas and Gimli are headed to Mirkwood to help destroy the rest of the spiders. Not all goes well as Legolas is sucked into a portal where he arrives in our world. Hilariousness ensure while Legolas tries to adapt to this world while also trying to find a way back home. Will our beloved elf go back, or will he stay here forever?
1. Chapter 1

**So this is just a fanfiction me and my friend decided to do during our architectural design class. It is basically just a bunch of hilarious random stuff that we came up with. I don't care if you like it or not so don't bother flaming me. There are a few grammatical errors, but I am too lazy to fix it. This is just a story I am doing on the side, I am going to start a few other fanfics that are serious. I will try to update this as soon as possible.**

**Enjoy~**

**-neth**

Prologue

It was late into the night when Legolas set up camp amongst an old ruin. The ring had been destroyed and sauron no longer unleashed terror. Legolas was currently on his way back to Mirkwood, with the annoying accompaniment of Gimli, to aid King Thranduil with the cleansing of the forest. Although Sauron had been defeated, and the number of spiders were dwindling in Mirkwood, there was still quite a problem.

Legolas quickly built a fire and retrieved some fruit from his bag. Gimli had done the same, but was now polishing his axe. Legolas stared into the fire, reminiscing of home. It had been a long time since he has heard from Tauriel, who had mysteriously contracted AIDS, from a certain dwarf he had suspected.

"My Nipples are feral wombats Legolas." Gimli said with a ferocious intensity.

"Yes, yes, everyone already knows that," Legolas replied boredly, stoking the flames.

"Ah...I see. Well did you know my nipples are also popsicles. It is quite strange considering I have six of them." Gimli stared at Legolas.

Legolas looked down at Gimli. "Strange, I believed that you had seven… Did you misplace one?"

"Hmmmm." Gimli stroked his beard."I do believe you are right, I must have lost it to one of the orcs during battle. Those things are quite touchy feely if you ask me…"

Horrified at the thought, remembering his encounters with Orcs, Legolas muttered. "I am glad I am an archer, forbid an Orc to touch me." Legolas muttered quietly so Gimli could not hear. "Anymore….."

"Come Legolas, let us get some rest. We leave before dawn." Gimli stated yawning.

Both Gimli and Legolas retired into their bedrolls and let sleep overtake them.

A little over four hours had passed since the elf and dwarf retired for rest when Legolas suddenly awoke with a start. He looked around the ruins they were in, trying to identify the slight noise he had heard. He looked towards Gimli making sure he was asleep before getting up. Legolas ventured forth through the ruins, searching for the mysterious noise. When he came upon a particularly dark room he heard a hiss. he readied his bow and called out to Gimli to wake up and come help him. He pointed his arrow into the darkness and slowly approached. He could hear Gimli running towards his location in the distance. When Legolas moved further into the room he felt somewhat of a charge in the air. He became more uneasy as he could feel that some sort of magic was afoot. When his entire being was in the room he took a few more hesitant steps forward, but nothing could prepare him for what happened next as the ground below him disappeared and he was blinded by a bright light as he fell through, and promptly blacked out.

"Legolas!" Gimli yelled running toward the room that Legolas ran into. There was no more light and Gimli was worried when he no longer saw the elf.

**Well that was the prologue. This portal leads to our world where more hilariousness will ensure. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

**So this is the first chapter. Me and my friend created this during our first period class in like 20 minutes. It is not as funny as what future chapters will be like, but there is a decent amount of humor. Enjoy~**

**-Neth**

**(credit to Maindrian from Gouranga! forums for the beautiful rap)**

Legolas awoke with a start, but quickly shut his eyes from the blaring sunlight casted upon him. He slowly sit up and took in his surroundings. He appeared to be on a beach of some sort. Legolas stood up and and began walking the coastline. He could hear strange animal noises, thus putting him on alert. This world seemed foreign to him.

"This must be some sort of dark magic." Legolas thought.

As legolas was thinking, he did not notice the net that was buried in the sand. He promptly tripped and face- planted into the ground. As he cursed in moderate annoyance, he suddenly felt something crawl on him. He sat up and felt a horrible pinch on his hand. He looked down and saw a terrifying red beast, with a shell much like a well-made elven shield, and metaphorical spears sharper than that of a dragon's. Legolas tried to pry the beast from his hand, but this only made the pain worse.

"I shall rid myself of this foul beast" Legolas said in irritation as he took a dagger from his boot and impaled the hard exterior, promptly killing it. He could hear a faint scream from it as it took its last breath. "Hah! I have killed this pathetic dragon-like, turtle-like, creature!"

Legolas then heard a horrible screeching noise, approaching his sharp elven ears from above. He looked up at the sky and saw a pure-white bird, with long elegant wings much like that of an angelic eagle, the sun glowing behind it and illuminating the black tips of its beautiful feathers.

"Gandalf must have sent this bird so that he may know where to find me!" Legolas said to himself. He waved his hands in the air at the bird, the knife with the crab still in his hold. The bird approached Legolas faster than before, letting out another terrible screech. Legolas then realized that this bird was not slowing down and was heading straight for his wonderful elvish head. He started to back away, but the bird had the speed of 10 Radagast Rabbits and crashed into legolas, knocking him to the sandy ground. The Radagast bird pecked at legolas's hand trying to reach the red beast he had slain with his dagger.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Legolas screamed with the high pitched wail of a raggedy old hagraven. The Radagast bird ultimately succeeded in claiming the dead beast, removing it from the dagger and Legolas's possession.

Legolas sat up, hair and clothes in a disarrayed and torn fashion. His eyes just stared into space, which he did not know existed, wondering what had just happened. Not even 10 minutes in this foreign land and he was attacked not by one, but two gruesome creatures.

"This is starting to become worse than the time I followed Tauriel to Rivertown…" Legolas said, feeling his head for any serious wounds. Then, all of a sudden, he heard multiple screeches similar to the Radagast bird that had attacked him only 2 minutes ago. He looked towards the sky and saw the horrifying display of a horde of birds headed towards him, circling him as if they were ravenous vultures. He rose to his feet and ran into the poor excuse of a forest, which was hopefully filled with poor excuses for creatures. As he moved forward, the screeching got less and less, but he soon came upon a new sight which nearly stole his sharp, Elven eyesight: buildings exceedingly tall and far more modern than even the elve's technology had so far been able to construct (although the architecture was comparatively shabby and plain to their elegant structures). He slowly walked forward as he analyzed everything. He was so entranced by their massive height, he did not see the car that nearly hit him, knocking him a far distance away from the road without care. Legolas blinked in astonishment and looked up at the sky.

"What had just happened, I feel as if I was thrown by a dragon into a bunch of boulders." legolas said sitting up. He looked at the object that hit him and immediately went shit for brains. The thing looked like an unhorsed carriage. "How could it possibly move without a horse?" legolas thought aloud with his strong, Elvish voice. "What sort of magic does this world possess, to create such horrible monsters and such impossible things?"

As he shouted out to the sky for an explanation, another unhorsed carriage soon came upon him across the road he had earlier tried to cross. The carriage danced as it came by, topless to openly reveal its rider, a strange man dressed in baggy clothes and draped with heavy silver and gold jewelry that loosely hung on him. Like an immortal being, he loudly chanted his presence with his carriage, which also seemed to be praising him as it produced a strange flurry of words Legolas could not comprehend.

~**Stop! Collaborate and listen.**

**Mainy's back with a brand new lesson. **

**Don't you piss in Needles tea. **

**Else you'll end up without a pee-pee. ~**

And with that Legolas promptly blacked out again.


	3. Kya Orlando-Sempai

**Okay so this chapter is relatively short. It is a busy week in school with preparations for Prom, college, and graduation. The next chapter will be longer,I promise. Enjoy this short chapter peeps.**

**-Neth**

**Chapter 2**

As Legolas was passed out on the ground, a young man with many adoring fangirls walked towards him. He awkwardly poked the being that looked like a serious cosplayer. The elegant being muttered some unintelligible language, and began to slowly open his beautiful anime Elf eyes. The young man poked him again.

"Hey are you alright sir?" the man asked.

"_KIA_~~~ Orlando, I will bear you fruitful children!" a few fangirls yelled in the background.

Legolas fully opened his eyes and looked up at the man that had touched him.

"They seem to be speaking the common human tongue," Legolas thought to his wonderful Elf self. "I am alright, strange Warg!" he responded vehemently, sitting up to appraise the young human, before he noticed something creepy. "A Wethrinaer **(1)**…It has stolen my face."

"Uh… Should I call the police? What did they steal from you?" the young man asked. Legolas looked at him puzzled. He leaned into the man, studying his face.

"Orlando hurry up, we have a meeting. Bring the boy along, he can be a stunt double since you two look so much alike!" a man yelled from a black carriage like thing.

"I am no mere boy, I am a noble _Man_!" Legolas protested, only to be ignored as the young man beside him followed directions and stole him into the mysterious black carriage.

" Lle Lakwenien? Tampa! **(2)**" Legolas yelled as He was pulled to the black carriage thing. legolas looked out the window with his exceedingly attractive, yet deadly eyes as buildings and various structures moved by relatively quickly. The screams of rabid fangirls' had diminished greatly as they moved farther away. Legolas turned towards the two men with a furious yet handsome glare.

"I demand you humans tell me what is going on" Legolas stated irately. The two men looked at each other puzzled...

**(1) Deceitful one**

**(2) are you joking? Stop!**


	4. And so it begins

**Authors' note**

**Okay so I know this story is moving quite slow, but we are trying to build up to where the actual fun begins. We have stuff to do at school and usually only work on this during first period. once Legolas and "Orlando" move along, we will bring Gandalf and the others into this, not to mention the adventures where Legolas tries to understand the world he is in. Just be a little patient and the story will start moving along a lot faster within the next chapter or two. I would also like to thank you guys for reading this, this was originally just a crack fic that me and my friend wanted to do in our free time, but since so many of you have seen it we decided to get more into this. If you have any suggestions later on about what Legolas should experience (McDonalds, Black Friday sales, etc) just put it in the reviews. Anyways, ON WITH THE STORY. lol just kidding, I also forgot to mention that there will be some "serious" chapters throughout this story. We decided to add some just to move the story along a little bit. They are more of transitional chapters than anything really, but the comedy will be quite light in these. I also am aware that my grammar is not that good, forgive me. I am not very good at English, but I am trying to fix mistakes I made. If you see any major errors that make it frustrating to read or understand, put it in the review and I will make note of it and fix it as soon as possible. I am more than aware at how annoying it is to read a fanfiction and it be a good plot, but the grammar just makes it more frustrating to read. Now then, ON WITH THE ACTUAL STORY FOR REAL! **

**P.s. I just remembered that I forgot to put a Disclaimer. I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS. (which should be obvious, but oh well)...**

**-Neth 3**

**Chapter 3**

The two men gazed at legolas.

"what do you mean? I simply found you lying in the road while I was on my way home from a meeting for my next film. " The Orlando guy stated. Legolas looked between the two men. The one that looked like a human version of himself seemed to be confused as well. This gave legolas an uneasy feeling within his stomach. He was beginning to think that he was no longer on middle earth, but in an entirely different world. He looked out the window.

"these structures, the ways of their transportation, not to mention their immodest state of dress of their women: This is not Middle earth indeed, but then where am I?" Legolas thought. He turned back towards the two men. The other human male sitting next to the the one named Orlando was a disturbing sight to see. He was dressed in some garb completely different from the humans on Middle Earth wore. The best comparison that Legolas could think of was that it was a simplified version of noble attire, but less ornate and encumbersome. The man was fairly overweight and looked worse than the ugliest dwarf woman Legolas had ever seen in his first 1000 years of life. This man also seemed to be constantly irritated what with is face being in a permanent scowl, with beads of sweat sliding down his face. The man seemed to notice Legolas staring at him and made a hmm noise.

"Ah I almost forgot to introduce myself to you" the Orlando man stated." My name is Orlando Bloom. I am an actor. This man sitting next to me is my manager, he may seem like an angry old hag but he is usually polite." Orlando stated. Legolas nodded to him

"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood." Legolas stated. he received odd glances from the two men.

"Right. Sure you are."

"Well. Considering the circumstances at this moment, I beleive it be fitting that you stay at my place until this is sorted out." Orlando said.

"Very well…" Legolas muttered.

**Okay guys. This is the last part of the "Intro." From here on out the chapters with have a bunch of humor and will be a lot longer I promise. I will try to have the next chapter uploaded by Tuesday of next week. Thank you guys for reading this, we originally did not take this seriously, but considering so many of you have seen this we are just like "What the hell why not, this is hilarious and passes time." **

**-Neth**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 Sustenance is needed**

while the car moved along through the city, Legolas's stomach growled with a ferocious intensity similar to the harsh voice of smaug.

"when was the last time I had attained sustenance?" Legolas thought to himself. While thinking, Orlando chimed in.

"Are you hungry?" Orlando asked. Legolas nodded his head. Turning to the driver, Orlando stated something about a Mac-something. "Who is this Mac?" legolas kept thinking to himself. The car soon pulled up to this strange building with a giant M. They never got out of the car, instead, Orlando said a few words to a rather peculiar machine and the car soon filled with a weird scent as paper sacs invaded the vehicle.

Out of instinct, Legolas grabbed the first sharp object he could find - a Bic ballpoint pen, in this case- and threw it to perforate one of the several paper sacs. "Begone, minions of the Mac! Return to the wilds from whence you came!"

The driver of the vehicle looked at his damaged bag in dismay. "My McRib! It will never be the same! Oh god, _whyyyy_?" He screamed in utter and total agony.

"You have been tainted by the Mac as well oh noble driver. I shall remedy this problem." Legolas bellowed, lunging for the driver with his pen, but ended up landing on orlando in a rather suggestive position. Orlando looked at the situation.

"Although I am highly flattered, I do not want my fangirls to have something to write about in their sick and twisted fanfictions…."

"Fanfictions? What are those, curses created by the evilest of witches?" Legolas questioned seriously, before becoming distracted by the pen as he accidentally clicked the point in. "What trickery?" Legolas said continuously clicking the pen in fascination. "What sort of wizard crafted something as this? Or, surely, this is the work of the mind of a brilliant Elf such as me!"

"That's a pen," Orlando pointed out matter-of-factly, before pushing Legolas off of him. Legolas fell onto the car floor, dropping the pen with an estranged shout.

"The mystical device! Where has it gone?" he cried out, searching desperately for the Bic ballpoint pen.

"My McRib! It has ink in it!" the driver continued to bawl, looking upon desecrated sandwich with the most melancholic of faces.

Orlando watched the madness grow further as both Legolas and the driver fought to protect their precious treasures."MY PRECIOUS!" they both yelled like two rabid banshees overtaken by some horribly deformed and gruesome looking duck.

"You two, stop! We're still in the drive-through!" Orlando yelled at the both of them. The cashier who handed them the bags was stiff as stone with a blank stare as a result of the scene before them. Orlando took the last bag from the cashier and gave thema a tip.

"I'm sorry for the rather, rambunctious scene you had to witness. This never happened." He said while the driver drove back to Orlando's rented beach house while still complaining about his McRib.

"Forget about the Mac-Rib! It was tainted and poisoning your body!" Legolas simply retorted, muttering about the evil Mac demon who was lurking among this world. Orlando sent a glare at legolas.

"Legolas sit down…" He said. Legolas sent him a look and sat down. He muttered a few more words about the evil Mac demon and about his precious pen that went missing. Orlando went through the bags and distributed the food out between them. They had dropped his manager off before going to McDonalds, so they did not have to worry about the man exploding with anger from the scene in the drive through. Orlando sighed when all of the food was distributed. He ate a few fries and watch Legolas as he stared at the cheeseburger before him.

"What is this repulsive looking thing" Legolas said with utter disgust . "Egad, it is still dripping with blood! I cannot eat such a thing, befouled by death!"

"It's a cheeseburger, it's not going to kill you," Orlando muttered back, taking a bite of his own food to prove his point. However, Legolas simply recoiled in further disgust at the action, seeing some of the contents of Orlando's burger spill messily like a dwarven meal. "Do you see, the food is harmle-" Orlando's words ceased, and with a gasp of horror, the famous celebrity collapsed in his seat.

"Cursed Mac Demon! He will not stop to take innocent lives! Now the Orlando man is lost!" Legolas cried out, shaking his fist at the air. "I will avenge all!" Orlando started laughing, causing Legolas to look at him. His laughing grew progressively, leaving Legolas puzzled.

"but how? The almighty Mac Demon stole the life from you! I saw it with my own Elven eyes!" legolas yelled with a ferocious intensity. Orlando's laughing only got worse.

"Oh my god this is too funny man!" Orlando said between laughs" I was just messing with you. You should have seen the look on your face!"

"This is not a humorous moment Orlando!" Legolas yelled, sounding like a haggard old woman, causing Orlando to laugh more. Legolas just sat there with an unamused face. After ten minutes Orlando calmed down and stopped laughing.

"You need to lighten up." Orlando said. "Just eat your food, we're almost to my home." orlando said continuing to eat his food. legolas looked at his food and hesitantly took a bite.

"This tastes okay" Legolas thought. He took another bite and before he knew it, the food was gone.

"That tasted better than I thought it would." Legolas said. His eyes were wide and sparkles surrounded him. Orlando looked at him concerned.

"Are you okay?" He asked, waving his hand in front of Legolas's face. he had a deer caught in headlights face.

"I don't think it is normal to see sparkles surrounding fully grown men" Orlando muttered. Legolas was knocked out of his stupor by the driver's proclamation of them being at their destination.

"oh yes I am fine, that food tasted amazing." Legolas said staring deeply into Orlando's eyes.

"Okay then, Let's get inside." Orlando said getting out of the car. legolas followed and saw that they were somewhere familiar. Legolas paled seeing the sand and the birds standing on it. Legolas slowly backed away and behind Orlando as the winged beasts turned towards him. Apparently these things were told of his earlier adventures. They slowly hopped towards them.

"Orlando looked between the seagulls and legolas with an amused face.

"I see you've made friends." he said jokingly.

"Those foul things are not my comrades, those things attacked me in a giant swarm!" Legolas yelled pointing at them. One of the birds meeped at him and he retracted his finger.

"Come on Legolas let's go." Orlando said opening the front door of his home. They went inside and Legolas was given a tour of the home.

**Okay that was the new chapter guys. Hopefully the length of this one was better than the other shorter ones. Anyways feel free to review from now on with criticism or ideas for the next chapter. I will post the new chapter as soon as I can. **

**-neth**


	6. Author Note

**Sorry guys, this week we will not be posting a new chapter. I have relay for life, scholarships, and other applications to fill out at the moment. I will try to get a new chapter up by next weekend, but this week I am just swamped. **

-Neth


	7. Author Note 2

**Hey guys, Sorry for there not being updates recently. I'm still busy. I have an architecture competition next week and prom stuff is just hectic. We might have to go on a hiatus. So a new chapter might not be put up for a while. The latest will be the 18th of April. Once again sorry guys. But I promise there will be an update within the next month.**

**-Neth**


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